Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
