i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
