when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
