Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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