if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
