He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
