So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
