Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
