his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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