Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
In other news, I just burned my penis
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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