Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
