Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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