According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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