So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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