he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
