youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
