I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
what is it with giant penises always finding me
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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