Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
