You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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