if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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