i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
