so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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