No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
