do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
