please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
