better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
