If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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