I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
