I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
