i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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