so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
