Someone shit on the floor
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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