All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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