She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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