Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
