I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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