Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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