You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
