i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She's the barista slut.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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