My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
