We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
