Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
