What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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