Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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