I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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