I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
