i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
