Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
whose ass print is on the piano?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
