I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
