i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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